“I will avoid travelling or holidaying with children at all costs,” says Sarah Knight, author of The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck. When making plans with friends, she arranges adult-only dinners, and when planning holidays, she invites friends to visit her home in the Caribbean, which is kid-free.
I wish I was as straight-talking as Sarah. I’m getting better, but I’m still working on how to be honest about my needs, as a recovering people pleaser. But I am firmly in the same camp as Sarah; vacations with children are simply not my bag. I’m married and child-free by choice. I’ve never enjoyed jungle gyms, Disneyland, arcade machines or loud noises – even when I was a kid myself. When I Google hotels, I always include the key phrase “adult-only”. Images of peace and quiet light up my screen: quiet landscapes, cosy nooks for reading, adults-only hot tubs, mini-bars with an array of pre-mixed cocktails, stylish hotel rooms with twisting stairs leading up to the bedroom. On my holidays, I want no plasters floating in swimming pools. I want no screaming children. That, to me, is pure bliss.
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This is where I feel I need to include my caveat. I do like children. In fact, I love children. I would walk 500 miles, barefoot, on sharp pebbles, to see my new baby nephew. But that still doesn’t mean I want to go on a long holiday with him. At first, this concerned me. Most of my friends have kids, so would this preference mean that I may end up friend-less?
Psychotherapist and host of Friendship Therapy podcast, Emma Reed-Turrell, reassures me that this friendship crossroads is pretty normal. “In the past, life was sold as family-first. Friendships had to fit in with child-centric weekends and school holidays. But, we can all benefit from time dedicated to filling up our friendship tanks, without having competing demands on our attention.”
It’s all about carving out time that suits both parties. She recommends honesty, over-communication and meeting in the middle where possible. If you don’t want to go on a holiday with your friends and their kids, Emma suggests “considering what you would be willing to do instead – maybe you can compromise and tag along to the playground some time, as long as you can also schedule some child-free time to meet up, too.” Maintaining adult friendships is about having an understanding of each other’s lifestyles and being compassionate to each other’s needs. It’s establishing that balance that really makes an adult friendship work – they make time for you in your environment, and vice versa.
